I'm currently reading through old papers of mine from my two senior years at Southern and I just had to pause and write that I'm a little scared. With nearly every piece I read, I end up crunching my eyebrows together in disbelief: Really? I wrote this and got away with it?
Not only am I seeing errors and dumb word usage that I'm surprised my sometimes agonizing editing periods didn't catch or change, some of the structure and and phrasing just seems ridiculous.
And that's why I'm scared. I could say, well, it's been about four years since you wrote that stuff, surely you've matured since then. True, I guess, but I've hardly written anything since then. I've stopped going to class and being trained since then. I've gone through some really crappy times and experienced that much time worth of memory loss. How could I possibly be better now? Which makes me also wonder: In four more years will I see blog posts like this and wonder how in the world I had the nerve to post that to the public? Yikes. Maybe I'm not what I think I am. Maybe I should stick to cleaning. (Do I suck at cleaning!?)
I'm scared. And also reminded that I'm a work in progress. Just like my thoughts; just like my writing. Keep going, Chris. At least you see now where you can improve on that past.
"Keep going, Tara" is a phrase I seem to be thinking a lot lately. I really thought I'd have more figured out at 27. Nothing like a perpetual state of feeling humbled to push you forward. Chrees, you saw the writing errors. That means growth, not digression (that might not be a word). Miss you, dear friend.
ReplyDeleteI'll say it too: Keep going, Tara! And thanks for your encouragement. I think digression is a very good word. And I do hope that seeing errors is a sign of not digression.
Delete“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”
ReplyDeleteOh and the accepting thing! Accepting where you've been and GETT-IN-RID-A-SHAME!
You and your amazing quotes! Amazing. I googled this and it's Ira Glass apparently!? I need to read/listen to more of that guy. Guy, right? I think Anthony confirmed that for me today, but I'm still so not familiar that I'm reluctant to feel sure. Where'd you get the quote from? A recommendation there anywhere? Thanks for sharing it.
DeleteOne of my favorite things is to go back and look at old stuff, pictures, stories, journal entries and laugh. Laugh at how I thought, looked and shared stuff. We are an evolving people. Which is good because I don't know if I could wear the same style for too long.
ReplyDeleteAlso I like the title of this piece. Catchy :)
I struggle with not taking myself seriously, Sonya! It's hard for me to look back on past-Chris anything (chilli bowl hair, shyness, writing errors, etc. etc. etc.) and not feel like that's still me. I really have a hard time putting the current me as the only me there actually is. I'm really glad you can enjoy those things! :) I'll keep practicing. (Thanks for appreciating my title. :)
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