I'm kind of thirsty

He looked just the slightest bit uncomfortable in front of the coffee shop counter, looking up at the menu, fingering keys or something in his hand. He was good-looking, in my opinion. Blond, slender. He looked to me how I felt when it had been my turn in front of the counter. A pace or two back from where he "should've" been, standing there, barely, in a noncommittal fashion, kind of as though wishing he could look at a menu on his phone in the comfort of his car maybe, but still interested in the information. I turned back to my lists and didn't notice whether or not he ordered something. Later I glanced up and saw him in the book shop side of the room with his girlfriend, smiling, following.

I walked into the cafeteria and weaved through the crowded-tabled room toward the food lines. "Clouzet, Clouzet!" I heard. J caught my attention and then motioned and mouthed that I looked strange wearing jeans, that he wasn't used to it. "What a dork," I thought. I wear these all the time. After getting my food, he and I ended up exiting at the same time. "You look better in your normal pants," he told me. Okay, whatever. I think I smiled and said thanks. He's a good kid.

Yesterday morning I woke up to find an email that asked a couple questions which essentially called me out on an error I'd made while on duty the night before. I'd messed up, and for some reason didn't even realize it fully. I was embarrassed and ashamed, and of course later, when I talked with the email sender about it, he was gracious and kind and I felt really stupid. I'd also been asked to check in to whether or not I could have the cats in the apartment. That also made me feel dumb. I wasn't trying to hide them. Then later that afternoon, some of the staff were trying to locate a couple guys from the dorm. They called me a couple times—as I was on duty the day before—but I didn't notice the calls. Finally, a third person called me and I noticed. Oh, of course, those kids are here and there, gone for the day. I'd told one person the day before about why they were gone, but didn't think to inform the dean who'd be on duty the next day. That didn't feel good. A third screwup for the day. Sometimes I feel like a slow child.

The kittens start to congregate around my sleeping body, especially the sleeping head part of my body, in the morning when I'm trying to sleep in and they're trying to get fed. After plenty of that this morning, I finally rolled out of bed (literally, I don't have a bed frame), and went over and knelt down by their bowls to pour them their food. Suddenly, orange kitty leaped up in his excitement and clamped onto my naked torso with all four paws. I went rigid. "F***!" I blurted, stiffly pouring his dumb food and then unhooking him gingerly from my side. I could literally murder my boy right now. In a game of Wii sports. I love my boy.

Milling around with the dozen plus students waiting to run the UCA Track and Field Day 5k yesterday,
I shook my legs out and wondered who'd beat me and whether it'd be embarrassing or not. And I also wondered whether I might actually beat them instead. We started. It was a soft downhill at first and I took it easy while most of them shot ahead. But then came the long, gradual uphill to the turn around and I steadily passed them all with my shortened, quick strides. One of them willed himself to run beside me with loping hurts down the return hill for a while, but eventually succumbed to discomfort. In the end I told him experience had helped me "win", but I don't think he really heard me. It's interesting to realize I am "experienced" in something compared to someone else. That's another way of saying I'm old.

I feel too old, and not old enough. I'd like to have a day someone would make a movie about. Where everything's flat, then it goes down, then I go over something, then it goes up forever and I win. I'd like to see the whole shape of me. And for the blood in me to flow sharper. I'd like to dream on paper, and fall in love. I'd like to look into eyes, talk about someone other than myself, go to bed thinking about my day, wake up to the skip of a heartbeat.

Yes, I'm feeling tonight. No, I don't know what. Yes, I've enjoyed the past several weeks. No, that doesn't mean my life is making sense. Yes, of course it's okay.