Staying in Town

I decided to stay in Chattanooga. Here's my attempt at why.

I was just going to stay with the grandparents a couple days, see Schnell, run with Foote, and then beat it to Colorado for the weekend group that was on its way to GVR. While visiting Schnell and his ideas Monday afternoon, a call from someone over there started changing that, because it included some information that got my wheels turning. Maybe things wouldn't be so great. Maybe Schnell's coolness and brainstorms were exciting enough to stick around for after all. Maybe Chattanooga didn't seem so bad. Maybe I wouldn't go back after all??? It was a crazy thought. But what was more crazy, was that it didn't seem crazy at all.

Needless to say, the next 30 or so hours was a game changer. Traditionally, I'm horrible at these kinds of decisions. They pickle me and sludge me into an immobility that leaves me stuck and hurting, full of self-pity and self-doubt, resignation, confusion, and hibernating hatred. It'd be fascinating to be in the minds of others, to see how they resolve conflict and view their journey's forks, but for me it seems to simply be a matter of following the easiest line. Which kills me. I follow, always follow, and never find my own way. Which is why this time feels so much different.

I could argue that I'm following—I have family and friends in this area, it's what is known to me, I grew up here. But I'm not following anything! There are—conveniently worded—no leads here. It is the hard thing. I am giving up an easy-paying, brick brain, part-time job in Colorado for a future here of... absolutely nothing right now! And that's what's exciting. I'm not even scared yet. I think that will come in time. Along with stress, frustration, doubt. But that's why I'm writing this. I want to know what I felt, why I decided, where my eyes were set.

Tuesday morning, before running 20 miles with Foote, before driving to Atlanta with grandparents, I was in bed thinking. I'll quite openly admit to not being a faithful religious Christian, but even so there lies inside knowledge of what's right, of who is right. I opened up my Bible app and found a short devotional series on Decisions. Just five days worth, a few verses in five different chapters, offering advice and solace when it's time to walk to the left or to the right. I prayed, yes, that my reading could be useful for what it was worth. I apologized for who I am. I asked again that I be someone better. And those readings, each one, made me think of different reasons I should stay in Tennessee. I was surprised, and that was the beginning—or end?—of my turn toward this direction.

Essentially, I ended up with this question in my mind: What is important to you right now? This not in the sense of what I liked or what I spend my time on, but rather what did I need; what, if I looked at myself objectively as though from someone else's eyes, would I tell myself should be important to me at this juncture of my life. What came to mind sounded pretty cliché, but it did not feel that way: aging grandparents, cousins I hardly know, old friends at fantastic times of their lives, a religious experience that enhances the spiritual, opportunity to step out alone and take a risk, patience and adventure and growth. I received none of these things in Colorado, and it is probable would still not had I returned. (I'll miss you though, Anthony, no doubt.) Reading those passages of Scripture and witnessing my mind wander to those thoughts left me somewhat satisfied, somewhat eager, somewhat curious. Like the feeling during, but especially immediately after registering for a race. Now I had a reason! Now I had to run! Time to get some. Get out of my way and get in my wake, it's happening.

There were counter-arguments the entire time, never think for a moment there weren't. They were good, too. Strong. Logical. Numerous. But not enough. In less than a full day I have made what seems to be one of the biggest decisions of my life. Maybe I don't fully realize its significance. But that just makes me feel like it's all the sweeter! I gave myself an opportunity here! Things can go south, but things can go very north! This is a chance to live life, to be in the struggle, to find trust, to write some stories. Literally! I want to write more! I want to edit everything in the world! And then, when my butt is numb, when my legs are stiff, when my eyes are shot—then I want to go run the world!

I'm Chris. I'm unemployed. I'm homeless. I'm single. But I'm also healthy, smart, contemplative, empathetic, and made powerful. And I can grow a pretty mean beard. I'm shy, introverted, and lacking in self-confidence. But in this moment I am ready for adventure, I am eyes open and heart engaged. I am war-painted and yelling. Stamping, pounding. Rushing, crashing, coursing. Powerful. Nothing. Everything. In this moment, I am free.

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I would also like to note, while it was a little scary to call Anthony, Steve, and Dan, I did it. And I only had to sufferfest a few minutes before calling Steve, and that was it. But more importantly, their reactions were all absolutely noble and exemplary. Support, support, support. While I know there must be a little bit of disappointment deep down inside—not so much that I won't be there as much as the help won't be there, and all of a sudden, too—none of them so much as hinted at it. Sounds good, bro! We'll miss you, you've been such a help! Let me know if there's ever any way I can help! I learned that afternoon, in those short conversations, that good men are good men. They do good things. I hope to be a good man.